Faith. Family. Fun.

KATE FRANCES

SPECIAL TO THE CATHOLIC HERALD

For a Catholic parent, the internet is a cruel mistress.

On the one hand, the internet means never having to say, “I don’t know.” Where your great-grandma could only say, “Gee whiz, Sally, what’s the matter with you, go drink from the garden hose and quit botherin’ me,” when her kids brought her confounding catechetical questions, you can tap out “Did the saints ever use swear words” into Google and have at your fingertips the theological acumen of everyone from St. John Chrysostom to Mark Shea. It’s like living in the Library of Alexandria, if the Library of Alexandria were full of Jesuits and tradbros who never agreed.

On the other hand, no matter how hard any well-meaning Catholic on the interwebs tries to answer a question, give advice or share the Gospel, it will always come filtered through a prism of unreality. People on the internet just aren’t good at being real. They can say, “I struggle with this, and here is something that has helped me,” but it’s just not the same as watching someone try to summit that Mountain of Holiness, watching as they slip and trip and fall and tumble and land right on their behind, just like you do. Over and over again.

Which is a long-winded way of saying that when I try to find advice on the internet for how to make my family’s weekly Rosary devotion a more prayerful (read: less violent, less chaotic, less yell-y) experience, I come across a lot of good advice. But I never seem to find anyone willing to come out and say the truth: Praying the Rosary as a family is hard. It’s really hard. It’s not peaceful and it’s not sweet. It’s not the Children of Fatima, it’s the Crusades. And if you’re wondering what you’re doing wrong, the answer is nothing, because this is happening to any of us.

(And if it’s not happening to you, congratulations on being perfect! It must be very exciting for you. Go stand over there. Away from me. No, Father, please.)

So, if you’re struggling with your family’s devotion to the Rosary, and if you want to feel a little less alone in that struggle, here you go. I’ve written a very simple step-by-step guide for you, based on the experiences of myself and my own little saints-in-training.

  1. Gather in a central location of the home. Explain you’re going to pray the Rosary. Distribute non-blessed rosaries to the children most likely to use them as weapons.
  2. Have coloring supplies available for the kids too small to follow along. Take great pains to ensure that the coloring pages are the correct mysteries for the day, for this will make you feel like A Good Catholic Mom.
  3. Begin reciting the Apostles’ Creed.
  4. Take the rosary out of the toddler’s mouth.
  5. Administer first aid to the child who has given himself a grievous paper cut on the First Glorious Mystery coloring page.
  6. Tell the troublemaker kid (you know which one I’m talking about, don’t pretend you don’t) to stop laughing when the toddler shrieks, “Look! She bleeding just yike Jesus’ owies!”
  7. Close your eyes and try to meditate upon the mystery. Open your eyes when the middle one accidentally kicks you in the face as they leap off the couch.
  8. Explain parkour is not allowed during Rosary time.
  9. Take the rosary out of the toddler’s mouth.
  10. Tell the oldest to stop praying the Hail Marys so fast. Remind her this isn’t a race, she’s throwing everyone else off, and she’s not allowed to leave if she finishes early.
  11. Take the rosary out of the toddler’s mouth.
  12. Mediate the fight that has broken out over the hand-crocheted rosaries that you bought for, like, $60 on Etsy because the Catholic influence mama on Instagram said they would be “a tactile tool for the littles as they meaningfully engage with the prayers of the Rosary.”
  13. Whisper-argue with the oldest about what Hail Mary you’re on.
  14. Take the rosary out of the toddler’s mouth.
  15. Glance desperately at your husband and try to communicate with your eyes: “It’s almost over. We can make it. We made a vow.”
  16. Try not to notice that absolutely no one has colored on the Rosary coloring pages.
  17. Grab your son’s wrist and explain, through gritted teeth, that the Mother of God did not come down from heaven to reveal the Rosary to St. Dominic in the midst of the Albigensian heresy just so you can use it as a leash with which to guide your baby sister around like a dog.
  18. Untangle the rosary from your daughter’s hair.
  19. Spy, out the corner of your eye, your troublemaker child (you know the one, don’t pretend you don’t) abandon his roughhousing for a moment — just a moment — to kneel in prayer, head bowed, and observe as he makes the Sign of the Cross the correct way, not the backwards way that he always does whenever a priest or Grandma is around.
  20. Remember this is why you are doing this.
  21. Try to catch your husband’s eye so you can share in this beautiful moment of triumph, but realize that you cannot, as he is busy taking the rosary out of the toddler’s mouth.

Kate Frances is an Archdiocese of Milwaukee writer who finds joy in raising three young children in the Catholic faith.