WIVES WALK ALONGSIDE THEIR HUSBANDS ON THE JOURNEY TO ORDINATION
On Sept. 12, when Chris Lauterbach is ordained a permanent deacon, it’s his face that will be pressed against the marble of the sanctuary floor at St. Monica Parish in Whitefish Bay, his head upon which the archbishop will lay hands and his soul which will undergo the ontological transformation as he receives the sacrament of Holy Orders.
There’s no doubt about it: Chris is the one who received the call. But discerning that call and answering it would deeply involve his wife, Christy, as well.
Chris and Christy Lauterbach have found that diaconate formation has strengthened their marriage and shared ministry. (Submitted photo)
As the couple attended their first discernment session about the permanent diaconate, “I really didn’t know what it entailed,” said Christy Lauterbach. But the entire time, “I’m thinking, boy, this really sounds like something that would be right for Chris. I think we could do this.”
After the session, he asked what she thought.
“I said, ‘It was very informative. What did you think?’” she recalled. “He said, ‘I think we could do this.’”
Deacon candidates’ wives must discern the same as deacon candidates themselves, said Alicia Van Hecke, wife of Chris Lauterbach’s classmate John Van Hecke.
“The wives are given a lot of support during the formation process to help with this discernment. And for me, in prayer, my ‘yes’ came before understanding how to go about saying yes, and I have to admit that saying yes — which was more of a process than a one-time thing for me — was still scary for a time,” she said.
Megan Fedor has always believed that marriage is not a “50-50” equation — it’s “51-51.”
“There are going to be times where your spouse can’t give their full 50 percent, so you need to be ready to kick in your additional percentage and carry through whatever is going on,” she said.
When her husband, Rich, who will be ordained alongside John Van Hecke and Chris Lauterbach Sept. 12, first approached her with an interest in the diaconate, “I told him, ‘If this is what you really, truly feel called to do, then you’ve got my 51 percent.’”
The four-year formation process undergone by future deacons has not been without sacrifices for their wives and families, most notably when it comes to time. For the first trimester, the wives attended Saturday classes alongside their husbands, and periodically thereafter. It was a considerable commitment, especially for those families with young children — but Fedor said that she feels it is optimal for her two children, ages 13 and 10, to be able to witness their father’s journey while they are still young and so intricately connected with it.
The family has often visited Rich at the full-day Saturday workshops, attended Mass with him and had lunch together. “I think it really is more impactful that they actually get to witness this versus if they were in college,” she said.
Alicia Van Hecke learned that formation also afforded unexpected time together for herself and her husband.
“I’m a huge nerd and especially love learning about the faith. I attended and studied for all of the classes I could,” she said. “It was also the perfect opportunity to spend more time with my husband: in class, driving to and from class, praying and studying together.”
During formation, the Lauterbachs undertook several ministry projects together. The experience deepened their individual identities as disciples, but also their own bond as a team. One of these ministries was bringing the Eucharist to the homebound, and they grew close with an elderly couple they regularly visited — so much so that the couple called them in the middle of the night with a medical emergency.
Without so much as a thought, the Lauterbachs ran over to the couple’s house to give them assistance. Afterward, they sat in the car, talking about the experience of being invited into the sacred space of people’s most vulnerable moments.
“Chris said, ‘I feel like we are where we should be. And I’m glad that we’re doing this together,’” said Christy Lauterbach. “We’re a really good team when we minister together.”
Deacon candidate John Van Hecke and his wife, Alicia, have shared in the discernment and formation leading to ordination. (Submitted photo)
“The (formation) process made it very clear to both of us that our marriage needs to be a priority,” said Van Hecke. “There is an intentionality about it for both of us that brings a lot of unity and peace and joy.”
The Fedors’ young daughter has been calling Rich “Future Deacon Daddy” for a while now, so the level of excitement in their household is high — but Megan Fedor is trying to take time to savor the experience, not “fixate” on the future.
“It’s going to be very different seeing him up on the altar wearing his dalmatic. I’m trying not to think about it too much because I want to have that moment in that moment.”
Christy Lauterbach quoted Director of Deacon Formation Dale Nees in describing her husband’s ordination as “a sending, not an ending.”
“I don’t know if ‘excited’ is the right word for what we’re feeling right now. I think we just feel very blessed, and we’re very emotional,” she said. “He says, ‘I just want to start doing deacon stuff.’”
