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Grief is most often associated with the death of a loved one. But people can experience profound loss even while they or someone they love are still living.
For older adults, that grief may come with losing independence, leaving a longtime home or facing changes in physical or cognitive abilities.
“This sense of loss is a loss of autonomy, a loss of the ability to drive, to live independently, to cook one’s own food, or drive a car: Those are all losses that people grieve. They grieve the loss of their home that they’ve lived in for 35 or 40 years,” said Barbara Freres, hospice chaplain at St. Camillus, a Catholic Life Plan Community dedicated to enriching the lives of seniors through a full continuum of care, including Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care, Skilled Nursing, Home Health and Hospice.
Family members can experience grief, too, as they watch someone they love lose abilities they once took for granted.
“I’ve seen couples in which the wife can live independently in their home, and the husband must live in memory care. There’s a whole different schedule to the day for the family member, the wife,” Freres said.
“It’s a difficult adjustment often for people who need extra care to have to leave their home. That itself is a grief that can manifest in confusion, anger or anxiety.”
For loved ones, those changes can also bring a sense of impending loss, even when the person they care for is still alive.
“Anticipatory grief is definitely real,” Freres said.
“It can be gradual; you might not realize it, and it can sneak up on you. You may just be feeling this great burden, this great feeling of sadness, and think of it sometimes as it’s almost like the reality of our finite finitude has shown up. It’s in our face.”
Support from others facing similar challenges can help families navigate those feelings.
St. Camillus offers support groups that bring together people experiencing grief or caring for loved ones.
“We have a caregiver support group for people who are accompanying somebody they love,” said Cathy Melesky Dante, a chaplain serving residents in independent living at St. Camillus. Many participants, she said, have loved ones experiencing cognitive changes.
“They not only come to the group, but they also get together outside of the group. Having that support helps them to continue on with this journey.”
Beyond support groups, Freres emphasized the importance of simply being present with someone experiencing loss.
“The role of everyone is to take people right where they are in terms of their weaknesses and their strengths, and simply accompany them,” she said.
“It will vary from individual to individual, but spiritually, being present is just very basic, trying to make life as good as it can be for that person.”
Freres compared that presence to Veronica wiping the face of Jesus on the way to his crucifixion — an act of compassion amid suffering that could not be taken away.
“To remain with that person, to accompany and to see them, and in terms of the mystery of their being to gaze upon them, is part of what we’re to do as Christians.”
Melesky Dante acknowledged that accompanying someone through loss can be difficult, particularly for caregivers who may feel overwhelmed or frustrated.
“I think of the agony in the garden, where Jesus pleaded with his friends to stay awake with him, and they fell asleep. They couldn’t do it,” she said.
“Sometimes what we’re seeing is really, really, really hard, and we don’t respond the way that we want to. We fall asleep like the disciples do. We get angry at the person that we love. We get angry at the people that are taking care of them.”
Some people also turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape those feelings.
“We might overeat, we might overdrink, and we might overdo whatever gives us some pleasures and the ability to numb out,” she said.
“God gives us second chances, so be gentle with yourself.”
Melesky Dante encouraged people experiencing grief to remain attentive to moments when they sense God’s presence.
“I would encourage people to pay attention to those God moments. It might be as small as a beautiful flower that is catching the sunlight, and might be as large as having a sense of presence and a felt sense of God in a particularly difficult moment,” she said.
“Talk about those moments. Find some friends. Find a spiritual director. Talk with your pastor. Talking about them helps them to become a little bit more real and tangible, and that gives us a little more breadth in the journey.”
